Fear of Judgement
Because of this fear of being judged I am afraid to embrace this blog. I am afraid to be judged. It causes me to stop being creative. I become frozen in doubt and so I do all kinds of other projects; for work or around the house, just to avoid what I really want to do. Because doing what I really want to do scares the shit out of me. While I was avoiding writing I read an interview with Elliot Page the trans actor who was in Juno. He is very articulate on judgment. Of course being first gay and not out and then deciding to transition, he has been at the brunt of more hate and judgment than I could ever imagine. I can understand the feeling of wanting to kill yourself from the onslaught of that hate. I think if I were unable to express my personhood, if I were judged as a child and told I was just confused. I might actually think I am confused and there is something wrong with me. It is the ultimate gaslighting. When we become confused about what we feel and know inside of ourselves because of the push back from outside we become distraught and depressed and yes suicidal. These are the kind of things I wish to explore in my blog but am so afraid to do so. I wish to write my daily thoughts but am so afraid of the judgement that might come if anyone actually reads the blog. The growth of popularity always brings with it the hate. There is always a critic. Always a critic.
If we just understood that the critic within is always worse we would see that those who are the loudest critics really dislike themselves. If we could all see that when someone is pointing a finger at us they are really pointing out something in themselves. Always. We could perhaps not take it in. Not absorb the projection of it. Like when someone vomits, we step out of the way. We realize that the vomit is because they are sick. We don't think we caused the vomit and we know if we allow the vomit inside of us we too will become sick with the same illness.
I will try to remember this message myself. I will write as if no one is reading. I have been doing this for years, in a vacuum, by myself and while it has been wonderful for me the desire to share has become greater than my fear of sharing. I am afraid but I am also ready to feel afraid so that I will no longer be afraid.
